Summer Tour Will End With 3-day Festival at “Single Most Inconvenient Spot on the Face of the Earth”

Phish and their management company have announced that they will be ending summer tour with another 3-day festival with 9 sets of planned music. The rumored locations of either Oswego Airport in New York or the Polo Grounds in Coachella Valley, CA have both been debunked. Instead, Phish’s tour will conclude at the Single Most Inconvenient Spot on the Face of the Earth.

“We’re really excited that we were able to lock down this venue. It’s not the most in-demand place for bands to play at, but we think the potential for the perfect festival is definitely there” says manager Jason Colton. “Some phans have been grumbling about the lack of roads leading into the venue, but we’ve been working very closely with local law enforcement to ensure that traffic is at a minimum.”

Phish Archivist Kevin Shapiro has said that he thinks this has the makings of the best Phish festival ever. “It’s really not that difficult to get there. All you have to do is get a seat on the once-a-week flight to Gainesville that leaves out of Valdosta Airport in Georgia, and rent a red 1964 Ford Falcon (remember, it has to be red!). Drive that car 26 miles due east, turn left at the third stop light that has a broken yellow light, and park in the 8th spot in from the drive-through at the local Wendy’s. After that, it’s just a quick hop skip and jump as you take a 6-mile walk through the swamp, where you have to sneak aboard a container ship leaving the Port of St. Augustine, and spend 19 days hidden in the engine room while the ship takes you to an unmarked port in Brazil.

If you go past the yellow flag-
you've gone too far

“At this point you’re basically there. All that’s left is 9-and-a-half hour ride deep into the Amazon where you’ll find a shaman who can administer the Queztl potion that will separate your soul from this divine Earth. After successfully capturing your guide animal and beating the Troll of Yordon in the feats of strength, you traverse the Mountains of Holoow and release the 8 different Screeching Moose that are trapped upon the shores of Lingdun. Here you just assume the shape of your spirit animal, utter the three unanswerable questions that were given to you by the Troll of Yordon, leap over Doomsday Falls, and you’ll see the entrance on your right. There will be a yellow flag. And of course I’ll be playing your favorite shows from the Archive on Bunny Radio when you get close so you’ll have some tunes to keep you company.”

When asked how the commute compares to other festival sites Shapiro responded, “Come on man, after the crazy lines in Limestone, this will be a piece of cake.” Tickets for the festival go on sale April 12, at 9am EST.

Originally posted here. (clearly, this is a joke)